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music | The Tim Haynes Project

Bittersweet – My Fears Exposed

It is not often that I am inspired to write. Which should be quite obvious, being that I have not actually written a blog in five or so years.

I ran across this song a two days ago. I found it because I am huge Dia Frampton fan and saw that she was in a band. I listened to the song and loved it. Well they released a video for the song today (It’s at the top of the page).

There is so much emotion in the video.

Lots of pain.

Lots of pain that I have experienced.

Pain that scares me and that I desire to never feel again.

The pain of and ending failed relationship.

I am a very emotional person and feel very deeply. Break ups hit me hard and tear me apart. It often takes me years to recover from them.

The fear of that pain has me in terrible fear of dating. A terrible fear of getting to know someone. A terrible fear of loving someone. A terrible fear of losing that love for whatever reason.

This video perfectly shows all of the emotions that I have gone through in the course of dealing with a break up. Sadness, anger, fear, regret, helplessness, frustration…

…and then he starts getting sucked into the bed. That is the worst feeling of them all. You get sucked in and feel like you are at the bottom of a well looking up into a sky that is raining down on to you and you are struggling not to drown. Just when you feel like you are ready to give up and drown, the water runs off just enough so your head can stay barely floating above water.

Yes, I am afraid of dating. There is nothing worse than emotional pain.

With physical pain you can see it, you can measure it, you can see your body heal, and eventually the pain goes away. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

With emotional pain, there is no light. The pain cannot be measured. You can’t put a band-aid on it. It is there lingering. I haven’t been in a relationship in 4 or 5 years and the fear of that pain still lingers.

It’s easy to be on the outside looking in and say… You just need to get back out there. I’ve said it to people.

But once you have been at the bottom of that well defeated and accepting that you will drown, only to continue on….

You sacrifice the happiness that you desire to avoid the pain that you know and fear.

I don’t want to feel like I want to drown ever again…